Dear Ade,

I’m sorry if it took me two years to reply to that last letter
you sent me. Thanks for asking about Rudolph, though. He got out of his
coma quite quickly. In fact, he’s having great progress with his
therapist. He now cries himself to sleep only intermittently. And his
tic isn’t all that noticeable anymore.

As for me and the
elves, we’re buried up to the neck making cheap rip-offs of this
season’s latest toy. For kids. Get it? I exist for KIDS. Not for
overweight internet writers in their mid-20s who specialize in “The Art
of Dick Jokes.” Be thankful I even got to read your email in the first
place. Stop resending the damn thing. You do realize that you’ve been
sending the same email in triplicate for the last two years, haven’t
you?

Honestly though, I’m at a loss as to what to give
for these damn kids. Back then it was “Santa gimme a Tickle-Me-Elmo” or
“Santa gimme a pony” or “Santa I want the Immature Radioactive Kung-Fu
Warthog special super-action edition” or “Santa gimme a rainbow
unicorn.”
( More… )